19th of March, 2021


Reality, what a thing.

So a few weeks ago, I signed up for universal credit. I've been told this is what you do when you're unemployed, so they pay your tax for you, or something.

Not entirely sure why I have to make sure the government pays the government, but I get no say in the matter.

I'd been told to expect a phonecall, which arrived this morning, weeks later, after I'd almost kinda forgotten about it. Luckily I had my phone on, charged, and with data turned on, so I was able to answer.

I've just kinda agreed to something where I have to do 35 hours a week of job searching, however on earth you do that. This is on top of weekly phonecalls with a job coach, and I am terrible with phonecalls.

It's funny, really, while I was clicking through small print telling me about the legal repercussion of getting anything wrong, how I'd get money docked if I didn't do what I'd agreed to, and I realised,

man, this is just me doing what I'd be doing anyway, but with more stress looming over me.

I've got the familiar anxiety chest pains, inability to concentrate and the impending sense of doom I had back during my exams in high school.

Maybe I'm supposed to be on some kinda medication, I dunno.

And who knows if that fear will go away if and when I get a job. Will I just start worrying about that instead? Most likely.

It'd be nice to get something more solid on my CV, at least.

Better than waiting for my work coach to phone me to tell me about how much my current CV sucks.